Shot 3 - 45 to go Wednesday/Therapist

Friday Shot Night - We came home from work around 6:00 and I took the shot immediately to get it out of the way. I was somewhat dreading it. Last Friday I had hard time doing my 2nd shot. I was trying to avoid doing the same thing. Despite my best efforts I didn't do my little count off before I plunged that needle iin and succeed in doing it immediately. No, I had to fuck part of it up. Anyway, I couldn't get the plunger to start moving. I felt like there was enough pressure but it would not budge so I began shaking, and I'm thinking to myself "great! It crosses my mind that it would suck to have anything happen to this dose (like drop it, or something stupid) because I no I can't afford $2000 to get another one.

I was talking to Adrian 4 hours later when suddenly I noticed that when I inhaled, there was little air. I breathed in again, same thing. I quickly realized I could not breathe and tried convincing myself I was ok, this was a side effect, this will pass. This didn't help. Anyway, I think that I then had a panic attack

I got into a same day appointment with my therapist this afternoon which helped alot. My therapists believes I may have also been hyperventelating also on friday . What is scary about this poison I am taking is that shortness of breath is part of the side effects, but what about the symptoms of anxiety and panic, they really imitate some serious uncomfortable physical symptoms as well. Shortness of breath, racing heart, sweating, shaking. So it has been hard to keep up with what is emotional, what is physical ect.I woke up Saturday and realized I had gotten through the night. I am still totally confused on sob. Anyhow, my therapist referred me to a shrink whom i will see August 26 to possibly be put on antidepressants/anxiety pills, we will see. Meanwhile,I will continue to see my therapist on a regular basis so that I feelI am somewhat on top of this.

How do you determine if you are out of breath because of the poison, or if I have somehow turned this into a panic attack with the little air left which is really about a bitch because if you are already out of breath, you don't want to waste what little breath you have on a panic attack. I wanted to go outside to get some fresh air but I have a phobia about raccoons in our parking lot. One day I will post my front yard and you'll understand. Are apartment entry is literally in the Safeway parking lot also. Anyway, since I moved here I am afraid of the parking lot at night because of the stupid possum/raccoon fear I have. We live in a pretty nice neighborhood, I just happen to be terrified of the above.

My weekend was pretty normal after this. I did not get too feverish, and my nausea and queasiness was manageable. I don't fill ill all day these days but one definite new thing is my sense of smell is really warped and it doesn't take much to make me turn my head in repulsion when it comes to food. Especially red meat. I am able to eat it still, but I cannot cook it for sure.

So I have been writing and writing on this post, but it never gets published!

Now onto teh happy news. Adrian took me out for shopping therapy yesterday and I had so much fun. We also went out to eat where I managed to wolf down a cheeseburger (given I love those and meat has been making me ill I was able to eat it and enjoy it!

He also took me to meet the man who is going to marry us, and we have picked a date...November 14. I was shellshocked yesterdday sitting at this reverand's house feeling lke this whole thing is real and I was overwhelmed with happiness and suddenly felt like everything was going to be alright. I felt like I could relax yesterday. I was very moved by my day. Adrian and I met at my job. he works in the human resources department, I work in the diabetes program. Anyhow, we are getting married soon, and a lot of people would say maybe you should wait. We are taking the dive. Neither one of us have been married beforeand I know I extremely happy so my friends who don'tsupport my happiness will just have to deal with us getting married because I plan on this. Anyway, I was reserved on my happiness when he proposed to me, and yesterday we were doing a lot of things that made it so real to me that I couldn't hold back anymore. I for some reason have always been reserved in expressing hapiness because I don'twant people to see me disappointed for some reason. Anyways,I really love him and hav e a good support person in my life as I go through this. I am going to publish this and add anything in I may have forgotten.