Friday, August 29, 2008

Shot 6/42 to go!

Well it is friday evening and I just took my 6th shot! Small mishap and this happened a couple of weeks ago. I stabbed my finger with the needle and ruined it. Luckily I got some extra ones from work from a nurse who I work with. Tomorrow I am heading off to Spokane with Adrian to Spokane Labor Day Pow Wow. I know we will have fun! Last weekend we went to my reservation (i am a makah indian), so we went up to Makah days and had a blast there.
I felt a little weird taking shot tonight as I already feel sick to my stomache today with some hot flashing and the watery mouth that lets me feel I may be puking soon.

Yesterday: miserable, riba raged etc. I will be back on Monday and post more about my last week and how the shot is going.

Have a safe holiday everyone!

Lisa

Monday, August 18, 2008

Shot 4/44 to go!



The above picture is the Chinese Room at the Smith Tower which is where Adrian and I will get married in November. The room is 34 stories up right up near the steeple of the building. I am soooooo happy!!!

I took my shot Friday early evening (about 4:00) I was at work and took it here, only because Adrian and I were going to eat with his brother and wife and son.

I didn’t gt much SOB that evening, but I did take my shot with 1 strong valium and about 3 extra strength Tylenols.

Dinner went well, and although I was queasy, I managed to get a salad down. Most of my evening was sx free and the only discomfort I was in was due to my anxiety over possible pending sides.

It is become somewhat awkward to eat, due to my newly settled feeling of always being nauseous. I don’t know what is going to go down until it is in front of me.

I usually get most of my food down mid-afternoon. I do smoke weed which I am not promoting it, only giving acknowledgement that it does in fact, give me horrendous munchies. During this time, I can almost get anything down. And it tastes so good.

Adrian’s sister n law was fussing at me to eat all night which was pretty uncomformfortable in that as much as I would have loved to eat more, I probably would have thrown it up. We went over to his brothers house after that and played cards which was fun.

Saturday, Adrian’s cousin came into town (yes, the same one who brought the weird drunk woman over 2 weeks ago)…Anyway, he came alone. Thank God. We all went to Muckleshoot Casino for a little while which treated Adrian pretty well as far as winning money....., and then off to our concert which was totally fun. We had good seats and saw a few co-workers/friends there we knew.

Sunday: We went over to my friend Maria’s house who I haven’t seen in a while. She was doing well, and we took a gift to her son. It was fun.

Monday – Well thank god I have had few sx today. Only some tiredness and the also knew norm for myself: my legs feel like jelly and this typing is making my arms sore.

This weekend is Makah Days, so I will be travelling with Adrian, my daughter and her boyfriend to stay at my mom’s for the weekend. It will be fun! I can’t wait to see my daughter. I have not seen her in a couple of years. Adrian actually has gone through the process of getting her up her to see me. I am having a happy period of my life these days, despite the newly started tx, life is totally good.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Shot 3 - 45 to go Wednesday/Therapist


Friday Shot Night - We came home from work around 6:00 and I took the shot immediately to get it out of the way. I was somewhat dreading it. Last Friday I had hard time doing my 2nd shot. I was trying to avoid doing the same thing. Despite my best efforts I didn't do my little count off before I plunged that needle iin and succeed in doing it immediately. No, I had to fuck part of it up. Anyway, I couldn't get the plunger to start moving. I felt like there was enough pressure but it would not budge so I began shaking, and I'm thinking to myself "great! It crosses my mind that it would suck to have anything happen to this dose (like drop it, or something stupid) because I no I can't afford $2000 to get another one.

I was talking to Adrian 4 hours later when suddenly I noticed that when I inhaled, there was little air. I breathed in again, same thing. I quickly realized I could not breathe and tried convincing myself I was ok, this was a side effect, this will pass. This didn't help. Anyway, I think that I then had a panic attack
I got into a same day appointment with my therapist this afternoon which helped alot. My therapists believes I may have also been hyperventelating also on friday . What is scary about this poison I am taking is that shortness of breath is part of the side effects, but what about the symptoms of anxiety and panic, they really imitate some serious uncomfortable physical symptoms as well. Shortness of breath, racing heart, sweating, shaking. So it has been hard to keep up with what is emotional, what is physical ect.I woke up Saturday and realized I had gotten through the night. I am still totally confused on sob. Anyhow, my therapist referred me to a shrink whom i will see August 26 to possibly be put on antidepressants/anxiety pills, we will see. Meanwhile,I will continue to see my therapist on a regular basis so that I feelI am somewhat on top of this.

How do you determine if you are out of breath because of the poison, or if I have somehow turned this into a panic attack with the little air left which is really about a bitch because if you are already out of breath, you don't want to waste what little breath you have on a panic attack. I wanted to go outside to get some fresh air but I have a phobia about raccoons in our parking lot. One day I will post my front yard and you'll understand. Are apartment entry is literally in the Safeway parking lot also. Anyway, since I moved here I am afraid of the parking lot at night because of the stupid possum/raccoon fear I have. We live in a pretty nice neighborhood, I just happen to be terrified of the above.
My weekend was pretty normal after this. I did not get too feverish, and my nausea and queasiness was manageable. I don't fill ill all day these days but one definite new thing is my sense of smell is really warped and it doesn't take much to make me turn my head in repulsion when it comes to food. Especially red meat. I am able to eat it still, but I cannot cook it for sure.

So I have been writing and writing on this post, but it never gets published!

Now onto teh happy news. Adrian took me out for shopping therapy yesterday and I had so much fun. We also went out to eat where I managed to wolf down a cheeseburger (given I love those and meat has been making me ill I was able to eat it and enjoy it!

He also took me to meet the man who is going to marry us, and we have picked a date...November 14. I was shellshocked yesterdday sitting at this reverand's house feeling lke this whole thing is real and I was overwhelmed with happiness and suddenly felt like everything was going to be alright. I felt like I could relax yesterday. I was very moved by my day. Adrian and I met at my job. he works in the human resources department, I work in the diabetes program. Anyhow, we are getting married soon, and a lot of people would say maybe you should wait. We are taking the dive. Neither one of us have been married beforeand I know I extremely happy so my friends who don'tsupport my happiness will just have to deal with us getting married because I plan on this. Anyway, I was reserved on my happiness when he proposed to me, and yesterday we were doing a lot of things that made it so real to me that I couldn't hold back anymore. I for some reason have always been reserved in expressing hapiness because I don'twant people to see me disappointed for some reason. Anyways,I really love him and hav e a good support person in my life as I go through this. I am going to publish this and add anything in I may have forgotten.






Thursday, August 07, 2008


Today I am tired and depressed. Yesterday I underwent some pretty uncomfortable body/bone/muscle/nerve? Aches. Took the Tylenols and waited. I didn’t want to take the Riba last night but did. My body doesn’t hurt today, but instead I am intensely depressed for the moment. Part of it is yet another discovery and realization this morning. A dose of reality. It has me questioning once again, and rightly so. Oh well.

I am a little taken back by some circumstances unfolding before my eyes and wonder if I can handle what lies ahead for me. I wish I was naïve again about certain issues. But I’m not. I’ll just keep my eyes open and trust myself. If that is the only thing I can offer myself today, then it’s a done deal. When a person does whatever they need to do (their part), and it’s just not enough, well then, it’s just not enough. I just pray, let my eyes always be open and aware, and if I need to walk, then I’ll do just that.