Calling on Wolf

I seem to have a problem connecting with people these days. My loyalties and personal boundaries are becoming confusing to me.

What this means is people interpret that confusion as an open door to basically walk all over me. Some people are good at that.

I feel better this weekend, but on Wednesday, the whole black/white outlook on life crept in and took over my sense of being within a matter of minutes.

This means instant darkness -like an eclipse on a bright sunny day consuming my mind and emotions. It has me instantly thinking in a way that is far from healthy.

I'm glad that crawling into bed ended the whole day for me, because in the past if I ever was in my current circumstances that was bothering me the other day, I know that without a doubt I would have washed my troubles away with a few beers which then would turn into a terrible binger no doubt ending with me doing dope again. Thank God when these times come around because Life will have some rocky times for me to go through, I don't have to do anything drastic or impulsive, make any split decisions that could possibly ruin me.

My boss is a good friend of mine, also my employer, and having financial problems.

This sucks because over the past 2 months my paycheck has been given to me late, sometimes in chunks, and the last paycheck was a nightmare of suspense wondering if the bank was going to honor it. Keep in mind, this is an employer who expects you to show up and give your all despite all of the above mentioned.

As a friend, the feelings are just as intense, I am watching a friend's dream die possibly, and it appears I may have gone down with the ship.

She still expects people to come into work. She'll pay certain people and pick people out who she feels maybe can wait and apologizes to them etc., but a paycheck is the reason I work for fuck's sake. I was beside myself the other day when she asked me once again to wait, only this time I was told I had to wait that there were no funds for paychecks.

Anyhow, it has just been a mess. This financial problem has been an ongoing battle for her apparantly for 4 years now. It is coming to a head, and the government now wants their money.

She has been stalling getting extensions with a lot of people etc.and everyone is done fucking around waiting to get paid so they are swooping in.

Meanwhile, she has a bunch of people coming in to work which is insane to me. I feel like we are on survivor, I look around and wish these people gone.

We all worked hard last week, I showed up at 4:30 am one day last week, and worked till 10:30 at night another day (I have a clerical position, usually one would work 9-5 in my position). This was a huge job, a lot of money - One of the only reasons I came in to work was I knew that we were getting paid big for this job.

She paid the government with this money instead.

Gambling our payroll with the hopes that deposits for upcoming jobs would roll in and enable her to pay us come payday....

Well they didn't come rolling in, we all had to wait. Some of us worked 20-25 hours overtime. (In a matter of a couple of days, not overtime hours accumulated over a whole week, believe me it was grueling and intense.

We busted our asses to get this job out on time, and we showed up for our company and represented. Oh, the clients were pleased and wrote a big fat check.

Like I said, our boss opted to pay off a debt rather than us, but didn't for warn us that we may not get paid. That was just part of the debt too, there is more debt.

The friendship/employer-employee relationship is now a big confused mess within me because no matter where I settle myself in for the moment to try and get comfortable with either role, it hurts. As a friend, as an employee etc.

I have a part time job I have picked up to help me until I find out what is going on with this company, but part of me just wants to quit and give everything up. True friendships should withhold is what I am thinking.

I am just confused right now.