An Inability to Trust

I had a bunch of thoughts I wanted to post but mainly that I am still slightly at a hault in my 4th step. 1st of all, I don't really like thinking about the past and here I am dealing with childhood issues (for starters)
I get some guilt, I never really grieved over the lost childhood, then of course I have had to analyze the need for this grief? I got on my own nerves thinking about it last night - The past is in the past.

I won't go to any meetings and talk about this shit it is way too personal.

This is kind of to me like a "now that you asked" type scenario. The resentment question came up, and I am on my 4th step, so I kind of re-opened this issue myself to get a gage on where I am now at with this. I feel like I am moving on. My main fear I have about my upbringing is that my personality was permanently warped due to the lack of love & affection I had growing up. I feel kind of strange and I don't see myself open as much as other people are. (friendly)

My mom really failed me as a child and I do resent her somewhat, but I have way more forgiveness. When it comes to her I just see it that she failed as a mother. She kept me alive and fed me, but that's where it ended.
She also attempted to kill me and barely resisted the urge on more than a few occasions. How do I feel about that? My anwer to that is why in the fuck should I care or even wonder about how I feel about that? I'm still alive. She would be jailed today - I probably would have killed myself out of a panicky fear if she went to jail when I was young due to being freaked out on the ramifications of getting her in trouble and waht was to come as a punishment for this.

Earlier tonight I was wondering how I survived:

"I don't know how I survived back then.I can sit back now and go back in time and remember what it felt like to be a little girl, tiptoeing around my house on eggshells carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.It was like going across a minefield, I never knew when my mom was going to go off on me" ~ Lisa~

My coping skills were twisted, but how else would I have survived? They got me through the years and then became my enemy. It is pretty weird when you survive a life a certain way and then are forced into dropping all ways you know of and try to live your life. I bottomed out on 2 other addictions before my drugs/alcohol got the best of me. It is fucking weird and I hope I get living down before I get that old. I hope I life until I am 90 years old.

I don't sit around and obsess about things that have happened to me, but wondering about resentments and looking at the otherside of the resentment anger vs. shame or fear etc is really fucking weird. Getting out of bed was a trauma for me and I was afraid to even talk to my mom when i came out of my room. I tried not to be noticed.

My whole viewpoint was molded around fear and when my dad walked through the door I knew I was ok, it was the only security I knew. Feeling secure is almost the best feeling in the world to me.

Maybe the whole concept of tragic childhoods is just a fucking hoax - You can only go through all the BS of your past so many times before it becomes just a fact.

I am just going to move on with my resentment list. Almost everything my mom failed to provide for me I can do it for myself today. I will be glad when my self esteem is back up though because even though I see myself growing, I can still see how it get knocked down. I am not where I want to be yet in any way.

I am about ready to pass out - I am that tired

it feels good to get things off my chest though..........