Thursday Night

Well it is Thursday night and I need to go to bed ~ I am emotionally exhausted, plus I got up at 5:30 a.m. this morning.
John is not taking this breakup well and we had a huge blowout today over everything.
I am just not seeing his insistence that he is so in love with me after everything he put me through. I started feeling guilty and fucked up about my decision to move out. That is so crazy because anyone in their right mind would have left. I need to find out about these guilty feelings I have. Why do people feel guilty over some shit that isn't even their own to carry? I have beat myself up enough and get tired of doing all of the work for myself and then trying to accommodate other people's fears and feelings. It's a pretty easy concept to me, that if a person is going to stomp around on my sacred ground, disrespect me, treat me like some sort of sex object that I am not going to stick around.

My only complaint is that I wish I would have left sooner. After flipping out on me, having my phone turned off (2nd time this week) and threatening to report my own car stolen (one that I bought last year that is actually in his name) I just thought to myself how did I end up with this idiot? He has been driving around my apartment comlex. I can't be friendly to him because then that sendshim off on a wild thought that we are going to get back together.

He told me today that he was moving to Hawaii, then 5 ninutes later he told me he wouldn't leave for a year. He got my engagement ring out of the hawk shop finally. (both of them) I asked him why he got me a ring and took it back and put it in the pawn shop. I told him well don't you thin k that it's kind of late to be getting my rings out of hawk? Most people that borrow something like that usually get it out asap, he never got around to it. They sat in there off and on all year. That is tacky and immature to me. I just hope he stops stalking me. I don't like it, I feel uneasy inside about it. Plus it makes me feel that the people that I have in my life today (mainly Allen) will not want anything to do with me if I have this nutcase stalking me.

The Jekyl/Hyde persona that John takes on as he switches his theories on me every 5 minutes is bizaar. He called me an NA slut, whore, etc. Then told me I would soon be a piece of ass that is no longer needed by any of the men I am sleeping with (he has me sleeping with several in his imagination) I know who he's talking about though. I told John today I maybe I should get a Tshirt that says just that. I said the important thing is John, is that I'm not your slut.

Whatever.

I went to a meeting to try and relieve some of this anxiety and now I am going to go to bed. Sorry for the negativity. I am pretty glad I have some good people in my life today and that I am not isolated like I used to be. My friends pretty much keep it real for me and I can really dig that!