Monday ~ Happy Birthday Kathy! Hugs!
Well Today is another good day. Getting done with my 3rd step this morning felt good. I got up early finally. The trip last week left me in a rested state that has lasted for a few days.
I got up at 6 a.m. watched the news, drank my coffee smoked (i'm second thoughting quitting on March 1)listened to some music and just finished wrote until I was done. It feels allright.
Kittums the cat crept out from beneath the bed this morning and stalked me all over the place...always near me but all sneaky like.
She is resting on this bed beside me (but not too close) that's allright. Prayers out to her owner!!!
Back to the 3rd step - I'm just glad I'm able to chill for a few minutes a day and figure out how the fuck i am going to do my life for the day. Everything used to be pretty chaotic and at least I get a chance to redirect myself towards some sanity or at least be around some people who can talk some sense into me.
I keep on hearing the word grief the past few days - I had a moment myself this morning where it hit me and I cried some more over people that are gone. It's allright though I think I held back on a lot of grief and feel like it is cleansing my heart. All my thinking today had me remembering and for some reason I remembered this one time I was holding her right before she died and I remembered the whole moment and could almost feel her in my arms again. Next thing I know I was on my couch crying. It felt good though, memories are always a good thing especially of her. I had blocked out her whole life for years and only remembered when I found her that morning. I remember her alive now and so when I get a moment of that, i have to let myself be there for a minute...
After doing all of that thinking I was processing my current belief system and kind of arranging the file system in my head about how I came to this point where I am at in my own take on my higher power and current beliefs (or disbelief)
I always want to think I will instantly go to heaven when I die and see my daughter. I want to believe she is there with my dad and as time passes on others are up there (friends who have died etc) I am trying to get a concept of heaven without some vicious jealous god who is ruling the throne.
... so when I let go and get comfortable and dive into what I have come to believe in (a lot of it is definitly not what I was taught) I get freaked out that I am fucking with the end result (my soul's destination) and that I might not get to heaven and end up in hell.
(I think the man upstairs was a bit angry when he made these rules) and had some issues that hopefully time and some serious work has healed for fuck sake!) They even have tried to make the death-penalty more humane and burning someone up forever is not necessary I don't think.
Control issues......So anyhow I go to church sometime when I miss my daughter who taught me that part about how heaven is a great place and all that great hope and then of course the mind fuck begins where I am made to think about guilt. I am through with that. What I do know is that I have had weird things happen to me around my daughter after her death and have felt her sometimes.
Enough said, it isn't logical to me but my life is making more sense to me lately and my friends have been there for me.
Well I am tired and my tea water is getting hot! Time to read some blogs!
Prayers out for all of people in my life that I love and to all of the people in my life who I need to pray for!
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